¿Por qué mamá lo dijo? Part III: Dating & Virginity
Written by Short Latina
At the root of our mother’s plea to not date, you find misogyny. With our mother’s strict curfews, we rebel, lie, and sneak out the window. But, what we think is an antiquated mindset, is a mother protecting another woman.
We forget that as women, our chisme is also our form of survival.
Stories of other women protect us from harm. Despite their exaggerated nature, women tell stories to warn each other. As teens lost in the love of another, we argue with our mothers about our freedom. But, mothers fear what Melissa experienced as a teen, “ I was young when I had my first boyfriend and it wasn't a good relationship for me, he was abusive so in that aspect, my mother totally got involved. At that point she didn't really care what I had to say or how I felt about it, the minute she knew it was happening, that was it, there was no stopping her, there was no way that she was going to let me continue that.”
Mothers have a solid case against dating with the rising cases of femicide to support it. Violence against women has not decreased since our mothers were daughters themselves. The methods at which women and transwomen perish might have changed, but the hands that commit the crime have not. Mothers must learn to trust their daughters more and stop slut-shaming their daughters and go beyond ultimatums. The conversation of dating between mother and daughters can be effective and fruitful, if both acknowledged the violence at the hands of men. This includes accepting the misogyny found within the home. Our mothers might hold secret their own painful stories, but their silence can be a form of self-preservation. Unless this is done, honesty and trust cannot form between mother and daughter. Our goal should be to protect each other and future generations of women, not our pride nor our choices.
Silence is the conduct that perpetuates abuse.
The “purity” that our mothers plead us to keep and our value as women, also stems from male toxicity. Mothers protect the virtue in our chones from riding horses, playing rough, and god forbid we use a tampon. “Eso no es de señoritas,” is the phrase that haunts us to this day. For religious families, the concept of virginity is introduced to us in Catechism. Like in Patricia’s story, the Virgin Mary is to be our standard for womanhood. She hangs around our necks and above our beds reminding us of who we should strive to be. Any woman who decides to be sexually active before marriage or not marry at all, is judged and scorned by family. Despite the fear of shame, Melissa, Faby, and Patricia all became sexually active in their teenage years. Faby retells the story of when her mother found out she was sexually active at 16 years old. “I feel like even to this day, there is just...like my mother said, made comments like, you are not acting like we hoped...we expected you to be better than this. We thought we installed better values...”
To Faby’s mother, she failed as a mother and Faby failed to remain pure. However, this standard harms women more than protects them. Viewing sex as “dirtying” or “staining” a woman can result in shame and lead to misreporting sexual assault.
If as women, we are able to take control of the conversation, mothers and daughters can better identify what is a healthy sexual relationship and speak up when it is non consensual. Mothers can show their daughters the power that a “yes” and “no” can carry over their own bodies.
The goal should not be to ensure a future groom has their bride intact, dressed in white. This concept reinforced the false idea that women are a man’s possession. No sex before marriage is not in the interest of “protecting” women, but to ensure men have power and control. And so, our mother’s continue the tradition, but some unknowingly of the history. If women instead told the times they were free to be loved and enjoyed their sexuality, and mothers could accept their own failures to stay pure (as my own did), daughters and mothers would agree that it has been pointless to deprive ourselves of life, for a man made scheme.
We must talk to women to preserve and protect each other.
Mothers do not need to be the villana of the story any longer and daughters do not need to hide in the same pain and shame like their mothers before them.
If as women, we can collectively acknowledge the misogynistic nature of what divides us, we can focus our time in ending the machismo that plagues our households. Then, if we haven’t already, hold our husbands and sons accountable.
Instagram: @ShortLatina_Stories and @NerdyLatinasPodcast
Twitter: @shortLatina_ and @NerdyLatinas
